Dear friend,
I have recently read a book that has changed my life. I am not talking that it changed my life but in two weeks I’ll be back to normal. I’m talking it has changed my life permanently. I think it was from the experience. Often when a book is read and analyzed and felt by a group of people it means more than when you read it alone. You see so many different points of view when other people connect to the same thing. It becomes that much more personal.
I mean, I have been through a lot this year, and the main character, Charlie, kept talking about how he didn’t think his life was that bad. He talked about how he felt bad for feeling sad about his life because so many other people were feeling pain that was so much more than his. For a long time, I felt that same way about my problems. But then he talked to his dad about it, and his dad explained that pain is pain and it hurts. Nothing creates a significance or minimalist idea about pain, it just is. That made it ok. It was okay to feel upset when I was upset and happy when I was happy.
I think there are two moments in this book that really hit hard. The first was when Charlie was talking to his English teacher about his sister. He told the teacher how he watched his sister’s boyfriend hit her. The teacher, Bill, said “we accept the love with think we deserve.” I realized this year, finding out about my dad’s affair, that this is very true. My mom had known for on going weeks about the situation, but she stuck with it. I was angry and hurt because I knew she deserved so much better. She was raised with these values to stand by her husband, no matter what wrong he has done. She felt as long as she loved him it was enough. She thought that is what she deserved.
The other moment was when it was his birthday. He was reflecting on how his aunt died on his birthday because she left in a snowstorm to buy him a present. He just continued to feel this deep, almost aching, sadness. He talked about how during those times he wished he had good memories saved up so he could remember what it felt like to be happy. I have felt alone in the same kind of sadness, and I liked that it was such a simple honesty that I could relate to him.
In ending, overall I felt the book was a complete whole. Sometimes you get to the end and it doesn’t fit the beginning or middle, but this one did. It was this search for solace in a strangers arm. At least once in everyone’s life I can bet they could have that with someone they had completely no idea about. I think if we shared our deepest thoughts and feelings with someone we didn’t know, it would help us immensely. With a stranger you have no obligation to see them, let them know who you are and therefore you don’t have to twist the story at all when telling it. It was beautiful.
Kalina
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
November 15th, 2008
Dear Friend,
Life is full of hardship, struggle, and pain. It is what makes us appreciate the good things-- I suppose. But at times I find it so hard to look to the end of that tunnel and see the optimistic light at the end. So in the good times, the times full of color, laughter and happiness I become this sponge and absorb every sense about those moments that I can. The next time my life is swallowed in an infinite darkness I remember these memories and I don’t feel so hopeless.
The first of such a memory was from a really small time, when I was knee high and wobbling. My brother and I were playing with race cars, both sitting in this huge arm chair and life just felt complete in those moments of shared giggles as we zoomed and zoomed our cars around the race track that was arms and legs.
I remember this a lot when I wander alone in the darkness. That time moment was shared with an individual I know loves me and it makes me feel as if I have a partner in my lonely wanderings through the depths of depression and sadness.
As it happens with many siblings my brother and I began to grow apart as we aged into the years of being teenagers. Bickering became the substituted past time to playing. Things were the most distant as he left for college and I was living at home going to high school. Life became less full of laughter and happy times. Then, halfway into my freshman year, my best friend’s father died of a heart attack and I reached the farthest into any hurt I ever felt.
I fell into a pit of all things painful in this world. I started making myself feel better by attacking those around me. It became almost an addiction and I was pushing those closest to me away. Looking back now, my sub-conscious was probably doing this because it felt as long as I was close to people I had that potential to be this hurt over and over again. So instead I made myself numb. I was quickly losing track of the person I had grown to be. Those who hadn’t given up on me were scared that I would lose everything.
Forgetting any recent fight we have had, or any mean thing I have said my brother came home to stand by his sister in her time of need. It took all of seconds to fall into old habits of wiping away my tears and tucking me into bed. I became scared to remember the attachment we used to have because I didn’t think I could handle losing anyone else…ever. Despite my struggle to push him away he stayed by my side. He kept fighting for me, and the person I would grow to be. I slowly climbed out of the pit into a self-realization of life. Ever since that time in my life I have had this newly connected bond with my brother that nothing will stand in the way of.
Kalina
Life is full of hardship, struggle, and pain. It is what makes us appreciate the good things-- I suppose. But at times I find it so hard to look to the end of that tunnel and see the optimistic light at the end. So in the good times, the times full of color, laughter and happiness I become this sponge and absorb every sense about those moments that I can. The next time my life is swallowed in an infinite darkness I remember these memories and I don’t feel so hopeless.
The first of such a memory was from a really small time, when I was knee high and wobbling. My brother and I were playing with race cars, both sitting in this huge arm chair and life just felt complete in those moments of shared giggles as we zoomed and zoomed our cars around the race track that was arms and legs.
I remember this a lot when I wander alone in the darkness. That time moment was shared with an individual I know loves me and it makes me feel as if I have a partner in my lonely wanderings through the depths of depression and sadness.
As it happens with many siblings my brother and I began to grow apart as we aged into the years of being teenagers. Bickering became the substituted past time to playing. Things were the most distant as he left for college and I was living at home going to high school. Life became less full of laughter and happy times. Then, halfway into my freshman year, my best friend’s father died of a heart attack and I reached the farthest into any hurt I ever felt.
I fell into a pit of all things painful in this world. I started making myself feel better by attacking those around me. It became almost an addiction and I was pushing those closest to me away. Looking back now, my sub-conscious was probably doing this because it felt as long as I was close to people I had that potential to be this hurt over and over again. So instead I made myself numb. I was quickly losing track of the person I had grown to be. Those who hadn’t given up on me were scared that I would lose everything.
Forgetting any recent fight we have had, or any mean thing I have said my brother came home to stand by his sister in her time of need. It took all of seconds to fall into old habits of wiping away my tears and tucking me into bed. I became scared to remember the attachment we used to have because I didn’t think I could handle losing anyone else…ever. Despite my struggle to push him away he stayed by my side. He kept fighting for me, and the person I would grow to be. I slowly climbed out of the pit into a self-realization of life. Ever since that time in my life I have had this newly connected bond with my brother that nothing will stand in the way of.
Kalina
Monday, November 3, 2008
November 3rd, 2008
Dear Friend,
Recently my relationship with someone has changed. Not to say that relationships with others aren’t constantly changing, but this time it changed into something permanent, something stronger. Joshua and I had always been really close friends, but over the last month or so it has just been this renewed kind of friendship. A kind of friendship where you laugh at all the same things and cry at all the same things. A kind of friendship where we both crave the same food at the same time. A kind of friendship where he just knows that I need him to be around even if I don’t say it. So I have looked back on our past years together and how our friendship has grown and decided to make him a mix cd for his favorite holiday, Halloween. The songs are as follows
Died in Your Arms Tonight (Remix)- Smitty ft. T-pain
I’m Cool- Anthony Hamilton
I’m Yours- Jason Mraz
Home- Michael Bublé
I Dare You to Move- Switchfoot
Just the Way You Are- Billy Joel
I’ll Run- The Cab
Let the Drummer Kick- Citizen Cope
Bubbly- Colbie Caillat
There’s Hope- India Arie
Breakdown- Jack Johnson
Jammin’- Bob Marley
Wordplay- Jason Mraz
Christopher Robin- Kenny Loggins
Hope- Twista and Faith Evans
Wonderwall – Oasis
Died in Your Arms Tonight- Smitty ft. T-pain
The first and the last song are the same because it is the very first song we ever listened to with each other. Every time that we have an awesome time that song has somehow always been incorporated and when I think of music and Joshua that is the first thing that comes to mind. I hope the same can ring true for him. I hope this is a CD he can listen to and think of me. A CD he can laugh to, can cry to, can reminisce to. Mostly I hope it brings him as much emotion as it has brought to me while I remembered all the different memories with all the different songs. I have decided to call it “Swimming in Remembrance”
My mom cries at the end of nearly every movie.
My sister always had the tissues ready for my mom at the end of the movie.
My dad can show you the full extent of his anger with one look.
My brother gives the best hugs.
My Grandma always has on the brightest pink lipstick.
Recently my relationship with someone has changed. Not to say that relationships with others aren’t constantly changing, but this time it changed into something permanent, something stronger. Joshua and I had always been really close friends, but over the last month or so it has just been this renewed kind of friendship. A kind of friendship where you laugh at all the same things and cry at all the same things. A kind of friendship where we both crave the same food at the same time. A kind of friendship where he just knows that I need him to be around even if I don’t say it. So I have looked back on our past years together and how our friendship has grown and decided to make him a mix cd for his favorite holiday, Halloween. The songs are as follows
Died in Your Arms Tonight (Remix)- Smitty ft. T-pain
I’m Cool- Anthony Hamilton
I’m Yours- Jason Mraz
Home- Michael Bublé
I Dare You to Move- Switchfoot
Just the Way You Are- Billy Joel
I’ll Run- The Cab
Let the Drummer Kick- Citizen Cope
Bubbly- Colbie Caillat
There’s Hope- India Arie
Breakdown- Jack Johnson
Jammin’- Bob Marley
Wordplay- Jason Mraz
Christopher Robin- Kenny Loggins
Hope- Twista and Faith Evans
Wonderwall – Oasis
Died in Your Arms Tonight- Smitty ft. T-pain
The first and the last song are the same because it is the very first song we ever listened to with each other. Every time that we have an awesome time that song has somehow always been incorporated and when I think of music and Joshua that is the first thing that comes to mind. I hope the same can ring true for him. I hope this is a CD he can listen to and think of me. A CD he can laugh to, can cry to, can reminisce to. Mostly I hope it brings him as much emotion as it has brought to me while I remembered all the different memories with all the different songs. I have decided to call it “Swimming in Remembrance”
My mom cries at the end of nearly every movie.
My sister always had the tissues ready for my mom at the end of the movie.
My dad can show you the full extent of his anger with one look.
My brother gives the best hugs.
My Grandma always has on the brightest pink lipstick.
Monday, October 27, 2008
October 27th, 2008
Dear Friend,
Have I ever told you how beautiful my sister is? She is the kind of person that would take a bullet for any stranger if it meant they could go home that day and see their family one last time. Despite all her struggles and hardships she keeps an open mind about anything. I just know she is the person that can go to bed at night with a completely clear conscience.
I think about her and all of the things she has done and I think that she is the person whose living her glory days. She will look back on her life throughout high school at being the girls’ soccer team hero, her life through college and playing women’s professional football and her life now as she is halfway across the world educating those tiny children about this universe; and she will be able to tell herself that she made a difference. I wonder at what point in my life I will be able to look back on what I’ve done and see the difference I’ve made. Mostly I think my glory days are starting now as I am blossoming into this new independent being. I never scored the winning goal on a sports team, I never saved someone’s life, but everyday I wake up and try to be the best person I can. Maybe someday in my future I will be able to look back on these days and see the difference I have made in someone’s life. I think I would be proud to call those my glory days.
The reason I am talking about my sister so much is because she is really the only person I have ever been able to look up to no matter what situation she has ever been in. With the holidays around the corner and my sister halfway around the world it is hard for me to think about spending time with my extended family. I’m always surprised when there is so much going on and someone still finds space in his/her mind to be sad. It happens every year with my family. Someone, every year, has gone through some dramatic life changing event and as we are all sitting down to our Christmas dinners at my grandmothers retirement home in the mess hall (where it always smells like bologna) that person just breaks down into wailing sobs. The nearby aunt, uncle or cousin has to excuse themselves along with that person and everyone else stays behind to gossip. It is hard for me to understand why my family is always this way. It is harder for me to understand why someone’s holiday is always ruined by something they have been through. I have never been the person to break down in tears over Christmas dinner; no one in my immediate family has in fact. I guess that might say something about us. I just though I should share this, it seemed relevant. Really I wrote you because I miss my sister terribly and I don’t think the upcoming holidays will be the same without her.
Have I ever told you how beautiful my sister is? She is the kind of person that would take a bullet for any stranger if it meant they could go home that day and see their family one last time. Despite all her struggles and hardships she keeps an open mind about anything. I just know she is the person that can go to bed at night with a completely clear conscience.
I think about her and all of the things she has done and I think that she is the person whose living her glory days. She will look back on her life throughout high school at being the girls’ soccer team hero, her life through college and playing women’s professional football and her life now as she is halfway across the world educating those tiny children about this universe; and she will be able to tell herself that she made a difference. I wonder at what point in my life I will be able to look back on what I’ve done and see the difference I’ve made. Mostly I think my glory days are starting now as I am blossoming into this new independent being. I never scored the winning goal on a sports team, I never saved someone’s life, but everyday I wake up and try to be the best person I can. Maybe someday in my future I will be able to look back on these days and see the difference I have made in someone’s life. I think I would be proud to call those my glory days.
The reason I am talking about my sister so much is because she is really the only person I have ever been able to look up to no matter what situation she has ever been in. With the holidays around the corner and my sister halfway around the world it is hard for me to think about spending time with my extended family. I’m always surprised when there is so much going on and someone still finds space in his/her mind to be sad. It happens every year with my family. Someone, every year, has gone through some dramatic life changing event and as we are all sitting down to our Christmas dinners at my grandmothers retirement home in the mess hall (where it always smells like bologna) that person just breaks down into wailing sobs. The nearby aunt, uncle or cousin has to excuse themselves along with that person and everyone else stays behind to gossip. It is hard for me to understand why my family is always this way. It is harder for me to understand why someone’s holiday is always ruined by something they have been through. I have never been the person to break down in tears over Christmas dinner; no one in my immediate family has in fact. I guess that might say something about us. I just though I should share this, it seemed relevant. Really I wrote you because I miss my sister terribly and I don’t think the upcoming holidays will be the same without her.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
October 4th, 2008
Dear Friend,
On nights when the sky is that deep shade of black I like to sit outside and watch the stars. In those moments on those perfect nights I feel infinite. No time constraints hold me to rush my thoughts…no obligations push me to be somewhere. I am in my own mind, my own place receiving the privilege to ponder about anything I should wish.
On one such night I was 10, maybe younger, having a campout on my best friend’s trampoline. As we sat in our hordes of pillows and blankets, in those drowsy phases right before sleep washes over you, I blurted out “do you believe in aliens?” The question, seeming random, made my friend giggle hysterically. In turn her laugh made me laugh and the answer to the question I had asked was lost. My friend fell asleep shortly after. As I sat there facing the sky and seeing all the stars and all that space I couldn’t help but to think about the complete relevance of my question. With so many countless starts, countless planets and countless galaxies it felt hard to believe we were the only ones there. In that thought I stumbled over how small this Earth seemed…microscopic in the scheme of things. That led me to fall over the thought that if this world, so populated and so big seemed like such a small thing, and then I, this 10 year old girl was next to invisible. I felt so alone in that moment. Why try to accomplish anything when in the spectrum of this universe I couldn’t even been seen? That thought was something I struggled with for awhile, and life seemed evermore inane.
Through my own struggle I watched as my home life was torn into shambles. My sister was struggling with coming out to my parents and my dad’s hatred of that situation sent my sister crying herself to sleep nightly. His denials, arguments, and hateful words sent a rift through the middle of my family and my own depression was quickly swallowed up into the other situation. I soon began to realize that the importance of life was life itself. We were to be the ones to discover the different universes, discover the species in the depths of our oceans and discover cures to different diseases. Even if the world seemed so small in this infinite universe, we were to be the ones to make the biggest impact.
On nights when the sky is that deep shade of black I like to sit outside and watch the stars. In those moments on those perfect nights I feel infinite. No time constraints hold me to rush my thoughts…no obligations push me to be somewhere. I am in my own mind, my own place receiving the privilege to ponder about anything I should wish.
On one such night I was 10, maybe younger, having a campout on my best friend’s trampoline. As we sat in our hordes of pillows and blankets, in those drowsy phases right before sleep washes over you, I blurted out “do you believe in aliens?” The question, seeming random, made my friend giggle hysterically. In turn her laugh made me laugh and the answer to the question I had asked was lost. My friend fell asleep shortly after. As I sat there facing the sky and seeing all the stars and all that space I couldn’t help but to think about the complete relevance of my question. With so many countless starts, countless planets and countless galaxies it felt hard to believe we were the only ones there. In that thought I stumbled over how small this Earth seemed…microscopic in the scheme of things. That led me to fall over the thought that if this world, so populated and so big seemed like such a small thing, and then I, this 10 year old girl was next to invisible. I felt so alone in that moment. Why try to accomplish anything when in the spectrum of this universe I couldn’t even been seen? That thought was something I struggled with for awhile, and life seemed evermore inane.
Through my own struggle I watched as my home life was torn into shambles. My sister was struggling with coming out to my parents and my dad’s hatred of that situation sent my sister crying herself to sleep nightly. His denials, arguments, and hateful words sent a rift through the middle of my family and my own depression was quickly swallowed up into the other situation. I soon began to realize that the importance of life was life itself. We were to be the ones to discover the different universes, discover the species in the depths of our oceans and discover cures to different diseases. Even if the world seemed so small in this infinite universe, we were to be the ones to make the biggest impact.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
September 17, 2008
September 17, 2008
Dear friend,
Sometimes I dream that I am being chased. I am running down every hallway and looking in every door for a getaway. In these dreams, when my dreaming self is at the end of the rope, I have this realization that I can’t escape from myself. My efforts then vanish into a hollowness and I wake up. I don’t know why I am constantly running from something I can’t be rid of. It’s like trying to lose my shadow. I wish there was a more profound way to describe this. I am writing to you because I need a sense of self-expression, some kind of escape where I can be completely free in my thoughts. I just need to know that someone, somewhere knows exactly how I feel, without really knowing who is feeling it. I can’t continue to wallow in this helplessness.
So lately, I have been trying to come to a conclusion about the source of these dreams. I wouldn’t think that I would be running from my conscience because I live my life on point as far as the ethic and moral parts. It then has been concluded that I haven’t been putting enough into life. Maybe the dreaming self is a self running for a change…running from what the current self is, trying to find the new self. Where should I look? I think you of all people would understand this because as I have known you, I have watched you bloom into this new identity. You have grown so much from the naïve little you, to this great, wonderful, ideal personality.
So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am proud of you, and I hope so much to be able to be proud of myself. The reason I wrote this letter is because I am lost in this great puzzle that is life, I need desperately to be able to put the pieces together.
“When we are dreaming alone, it is only a dream. When we are dreaming with others, it is the beginning of reality.” -Dom Helder Camara
Kalina
Dear friend,
Sometimes I dream that I am being chased. I am running down every hallway and looking in every door for a getaway. In these dreams, when my dreaming self is at the end of the rope, I have this realization that I can’t escape from myself. My efforts then vanish into a hollowness and I wake up. I don’t know why I am constantly running from something I can’t be rid of. It’s like trying to lose my shadow. I wish there was a more profound way to describe this. I am writing to you because I need a sense of self-expression, some kind of escape where I can be completely free in my thoughts. I just need to know that someone, somewhere knows exactly how I feel, without really knowing who is feeling it. I can’t continue to wallow in this helplessness.
So lately, I have been trying to come to a conclusion about the source of these dreams. I wouldn’t think that I would be running from my conscience because I live my life on point as far as the ethic and moral parts. It then has been concluded that I haven’t been putting enough into life. Maybe the dreaming self is a self running for a change…running from what the current self is, trying to find the new self. Where should I look? I think you of all people would understand this because as I have known you, I have watched you bloom into this new identity. You have grown so much from the naïve little you, to this great, wonderful, ideal personality.
So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am proud of you, and I hope so much to be able to be proud of myself. The reason I wrote this letter is because I am lost in this great puzzle that is life, I need desperately to be able to put the pieces together.
“When we are dreaming alone, it is only a dream. When we are dreaming with others, it is the beginning of reality.” -Dom Helder Camara
Kalina
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