November 15th, 2008

Dear Friend,
Life is full of hardship, struggle, and pain. It is what makes us appreciate the good things-- I suppose. But at times I find it so hard to look to the end of that tunnel and see the optimistic light at the end. So in the good times, the times full of color, laughter and happiness I become this sponge and absorb every sense about those moments that I can. The next time my life is swallowed in an infinite darkness I remember these memories and I don’t feel so hopeless.
The first of such a memory was from a really small time, when I was knee high and wobbling. My brother and I were playing with race cars, both sitting in this huge arm chair and life just felt complete in those moments of shared giggles as we zoomed and zoomed our cars around the race track that was arms and legs.
I remember this a lot when I wander alone in the darkness. That time moment was shared with an individual I know loves me and it makes me feel as if I have a partner in my lonely wanderings through the depths of depression and sadness.
As it happens with many siblings my brother and I began to grow apart as we aged into the years of being teenagers. Bickering became the substituted past time to playing. Things were the most distant as he left for college and I was living at home going to high school. Life became less full of laughter and happy times. Then, halfway into my freshman year, my best friend’s father died of a heart attack and I reached the farthest into any hurt I ever felt.
I fell into a pit of all things painful in this world. I started making myself feel better by attacking those around me. It became almost an addiction and I was pushing those closest to me away. Looking back now, my sub-conscious was probably doing this because it felt as long as I was close to people I had that potential to be this hurt over and over again. So instead I made myself numb. I was quickly losing track of the person I had grown to be. Those who hadn’t given up on me were scared that I would lose everything.
Forgetting any recent fight we have had, or any mean thing I have said my brother came home to stand by his sister in her time of need. It took all of seconds to fall into old habits of wiping away my tears and tucking me into bed. I became scared to remember the attachment we used to have because I didn’t think I could handle losing anyone else…ever. Despite my struggle to push him away he stayed by my side. He kept fighting for me, and the person I would grow to be. I slowly climbed out of the pit into a self-realization of life. Ever since that time in my life I have had this newly connected bond with my brother that nothing will stand in the way of.

Kalina